The pitfalls of aesthetics

When starting up cycling for the first time a number of people enter the lion’s den with a look of simplicity and safety in mind. The thoughts “I can kit myself out fairly cheaply” and “Well its best to be safe and be seen” easily spring to mind. I for one was the same. I for one, was WRONG.

Shoes:

You will need clip ins. It is part and parcel of the cycling way of life. To be a “Cyclist” you need to have done three things: 1) Bought a bike, 2) bought come clip in shoes, and 3) Fallen of the bike because you can’t release your shoes fast enough. All three members of our group have fallen off their bike one time or another. Famously Matt fell into his mum’s bush on his maiden clip-in journey (But I’m sure you have heard about that), and then again, caused partly by myself making an emergency stop because I needed to wee that badly.......

But the fall I remember mostly, because it was my only fall, was on that fateful journey with the guys to Hunstanton. After the “Bonking” and cake, we were all set to get to Hunstanton through the back roads by Sandringham, and although we didn’t exactly know the way, we knew the general direction. In formation we approached the final “Which way do we go” T-junction on the run into Hunstanton. As all cyclists know, it is all about not stopping. And if you have to approach a junction at snail pace and stay clipped in, then that’s what you do. That’s what you try to do.............. The next few seconds were a blur, a sequence of motions sparked into action by Oli shouting, “stop wait no, it’s RIGHT”.

Before I knew it, the lack of forward momentum, a quick shift in balance to try and turn right instead of left and my inability to control my limbs with adequate ability and I was laying on the floor with my bike on top of me. Keen to keep a little dignity I proceeded with the “Oh whoops look at me, I’m ok” laugh, but I can tell you, there is no way to fall off a bike without it hurting. After fumbling around and freeing myself for the death-trap that had thwarted me I turned around to see how many people had witnessed the “Comedy gold”. I was happy to see just the one vehicle behind us, although it would have been better if it were not a “Plumbase” van full of three burly chaps belly laughing at my misfortune. To top it off I was also a little peeved as I scratched my pedal..........

Jerseys:

Jerseys are the construct of the devil himself. You would be forgiven for thinking that you could “just use an old T-Shirt” or “I’ll be safe and buy a Hi-vis top”. This is a mistake. Now don’t get me wrong, you CAN do that, but you WON’T . Before I go any further, I am all about road safety and if the light is poor or it is dark, I fully accept Hi-Vis is the way to go.  Over time, however, I have learnt that it isn’t about anything other than gaining acceptance from other riders. That knowing nod of the head as you pass in opposite directions. The acknowledgement from the men that strive for cycling performance every day. It is the same effect that causes you to put in that extra 10% effort as you see someone coming in the opposite direction. But in the mind of the cyclist this is predominantly done with THE JERSEY! The more “Pro” you look, the more you will be accepted into this elite fraternity. This is done in various steps of upgrade, and whatever way you go about it, within the next few months you will be trawling the net for a aero-fit Pro jersey that you saw Mark Cavendish wear that one time. Before you know it you will look as though you painted your jersey on and you will be frozen to your core , but by God you’ll look fast!

Also take into account how it may appear to onlookers. I was returning home from a ride one winter morning when I passed a friend’s house. The front door was wide open so I gave her a call, as I wanted to pop in and say hi. She answered the phone.

Me: I was just passing and was going to pop in for a water refill and a wee.

Her: I’m not at home, I’m at my mum’s

Me: Your front door is wide open

Her: Is it, SHIT! I’m coming home.

Me: I'll stay here until you get back. Can I use your toilet?

Her: Ummm yes?

So I unclipped and wandered in. Everything seemed in place and no break-in looked to have occurred. I refilled my water and used the services. I heard a sound upstairs, now knowing the owner or her dog was not in, I called out. No response........... So I made my way upstairs to the spare room. Upon entry I was faced with a near dead looking man, it was in fact her lodger, whom I did not know of at the time. He looked at me strangely, in my all over lycra, and poignantly said.......... “Erghhhghgh...... alright”? I explained that the door was open etc etc etc, and he admitted that in his state he had neglected to close it when returning that night.

It was later

revealed to me that he confessed that “He thought he was going to be raped by a skeleton”. I should explain I was wearing this:

My one and only rule on Jerseys is this: DONT WEAR A YELLOW JERSEY! You didn’t earn it and you will look like a fool!”

Shorts/Bib-shorts and tights.

There is no way round it, the bottom half of your body will be lycra clad. It is just a case of how you want to do it. Pretty much all cycling gear comes with an inbuilt nappy that provides padding for the unfeasibly narrow razor like saddles, but I believe it is actually just a ploy to make the impossible to fold up and put away neatly (That’s just a personal rant). As with the Jerseys, “Pro is the way to go”. This is done with bib-shorts. Now, before cycling I wasn’t aware of the advent of bib-tights, and for you that are also not aware, these can only be described as “Those things collage wrestlers wear in the USA”. They are the dungaree version of lycra shorts and essentially someone has solved the problem of lycra builder bum, by putting two whooping great straps over the shoulders.

Now that is clear, I want to make my most vital of points. When choosing the lower half of your outfit please take three things into consideration.

·         Do I have a jersey that will match them.

-          If the answer is no, then you must buy a new jersey to go with them (Aero preferred)

·         Will these go with the colour scheme of my bike

-          If the answer in no. STOP, you may be undoing many months of colour scheme planning

·         What colour is the panel that covers “The goods”.

-          It can be a very revealing item of clothing should you choose certain colours of short*

 

*I had it bought to my attention my one of the “Cycling wives”, that my brand new white and green Bib-shorts – white on the “Business panel” (and at the time my pride and joy), were less than conspicuous. I spent the next half hour in their house either sat down, or covering up.

But at least it wasn’t red

So that’s about all I have learnt to date on cycling apparel. Now off to buy some stuff online......

James

The ill effects of Bonking

Skip forward several months. My wife and I had our first baby. Matt and his wife had their second daughter and James was in the middle of renovating his house while living at his parents' house with his wife and two children. Training was not going well. The three of us had never been so fractious, sleep deprived and frankly - poor. 

We knew we needed to get out of our rut so decided to go for a longish ride. Like the geniuses we are, we managed to pick the coldest weekend that there had been for several months. We rocked up outside Matt's at 7am on a cold and windy Sunday morning with the intention of riding from Ely to Hunstanton for a decent ride and some fish and chips. We'd arranged with the wives to meet them there for lunch. Needless to say, we would be late. 

To make matters worse, none of us were ready to take on a ride of this distance and we were woefully unprepared in terms of the basic skills we needed (how to change tyres and repair punctures when not in our kitchens) so it was a good thing that super fit younger brother came along too. He's an experienced "roadie" and gave us some helpful comments such as: You need I ride faster if you want to get there on time" and "Do you actually know where you're going?"

After about 2 hours, we'd sort of cracked it. We were riding in formation, taking the wind for each other in turns and cracking along at a decent pace. We were even time trialling certain sections tucking in low to reduce drag. Everything was going brilliantly then Matt "bonked".

To someone unfamiliar with long distance cycling (such as ourselves) it is amazing how much you need to eat when you're riding. We had no idea as to what to eat and when and it has a huge effect.  "Bonking" is like nothing else: you have no energy; your legs feel like they are weighed down with lead and your head pounds with every heartbeat. You can't concentrate, think or keep your bike in a straight line. In other words, it's not very nice. In this scenario, we did what any sane person would do. We stopped for some cake. 

If you're ever in the Sandringham area of North Norfolk, I can thoroughly recommend the coffee and walnut cake at the estate café. It jams you full of energy. As does 2 cans of coke and a mars bar. Matt, so you know is built like a racing snake and with renewed energy he flew out of the car park, hit his top speed for the day, rolled over some broken glass and punctured both tyres. 

Eventually, we worked out how our bike pumps worked and set off to Hunstanton and some fish and chips. We got there 1 1/2 hours late, much to the annoyance of the wives, but we learned more about bike riding in those 90 minutes than we've learned since. 

The total distance was a shade over 50 miles. Which is approximately half of the distance that we'll cover per day. 

Do you like bikes?.......

As with most things, this story - and it is a story, started with a phone call. I remember it vividly. It was March 2011, it was raining and it was not overly warm. I was just leaving work and heading home to a dilapidated house with rubbish heating, a leaky roof, and a number of walls that "needed painting" and gutters that needed emptying, according to my wife.

So, this phone call was a good thing. It was a phone call inviting me to a pub. A nice pub. A pub I hadn't been to for a long time - since college in fact. This was the perfect excuse not to go home and clean gutters or paint walls a delightful shade of magnolia whilst wearing a coat.  It was a phone call from a friend, Matt, asking me to go to a pub that I liked so that we could have a catch up and talk about an idea whilst drinking pints of local beer. This was a much better plan that painting and guttering. I was sold,
even before I was given the hook.

"Do you like bikes?"

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I like gear. I like things that are shiny, I like things that are light - if they're made out of Titanium or Carbon Fiber, you can guarantee that the next thing that will happen when I'm around them is that I'll be handing over a fat wedge of crisp banknotes to a very smiley shopkeeper.

My younger brother has a bike. He bought it as apart of the cycle to work scheme. He's very fit. He runs marathons in deserts and does a regular marathon in 4 hours. Therefore it must be good for you. And they come with loads of gear. Shiny gear.

I went to the pub. I ordered a pint and sat down. I finished my pint and still no Matt. I ordered another pint and waited. Matt arrived. He was late. He did however make up for this by walking in with James. Now, I've known Matt and James since school. James is one of the earliest friends I remember from primary school. I have pictures of him from skiing trips when we were thirteen, but that's another story altogether...

They walked over and sat down, Diet cokes in hand. Both were smiling. Matt looked me in the eye and said:
"Let's cycle to Paris."
"I don't have a bike" I replied
"Me neither" Matt said "and James doesn't either "we could buy some......"

So it was decided. We would cycle to Paris on bikes we didn't have on an undecided route and no real experience cycling since we were thirteen (18 years ago).

What could possibly go wrong?


Oli